Most couples come to therapy when things have gotten bad enough that they feel like they have no other option. By that point, both people have usually been carrying a version of the same argument for months — sometimes years — and they're exhausted. That's a hard place to start from. But it's also one of the most common.
What I want to tell you is that it doesn't have to be a last resort. Couples who come in before things hit a breaking point tend to do better — not because their problems are smaller, but because they still have enough goodwill to work with.
What actually happens in the room
The first session is about understanding both of you. Not taking sides — understanding. I'm paying attention to how you talk to each other, what you avoid, what you come back to. I'm listening for the pattern underneath the argument, because the argument you keep having is almost never actually about what you think it's about.
"The fight about dishes isn't about dishes. The fight about dishes is about feeling unseen. That's where the work is."
From there, we build a shared picture of what's happening and what we're going to do about it. You're both in the room, so the plan has to work for both of you. That's not compromise — that's collaboration.
What it isn't
Couples therapy isn't a referee situation. I'm not here to decide who's right. I'm not going to validate one person at the expense of the other. If that's what you're hoping for, I'd encourage you to examine that impulse — because the goal of therapy isn't to win. It's to build something that actually works.
It's also not going to fix everything in a few sessions. Real change takes time and it takes both people being willing to do the work outside the room, not just in it.
When to come in
If you're in a rough patch and wondering whether to try therapy — try it. The worst case is you learn something useful. The best case is it changes the whole trajectory of your relationship.
I work with couples at all stages: dating, engaged, married, long-term partnerships, LGBTQ+ relationships. What matters isn't the structure of the relationship — it's whether both people are willing to show up and do real work.